The Eternal Dilemma

THE ETERNAL DILEMMA

BY

MURALI MURTHY

"I will continue to Love you more than anything else in the world, I will Love you to the moon and back.

I will take care of you like a child, I will pamper you every minute I spend with you.

I need you in my life, I want to spend my rest of my life with you, I want to grow old with you. Please marry me!"

Kedar is holding both the hands of Zuhi, both are sitting in a Coffee Day table. A humbled, emotional, wet eyed Zuhi asks "Why do you love me so much?"

"I don't have a specific reason, I feel you are the one. I have never felt like this with anyone else. As Trinity says in The Matrix "I think you are the One, I just know it". I feel like sharing everything with you, feel comfortable crying with you, be like a child and love the motherly affection I get from you. And I want all these forever"

Zuhi's happiness was uncontrollable, she stood up with wide and bright smile on her face and tears in her eyes, hugged Kedar exuberantly nodded with uninhibited, unconditional expression of acceptance.

Kedar and Zuhi's wedding was a simple, elegant and a happy event.

Both their eyes sparkled, love oozed in the air.

The newly wed couple had the most intimate and romantic married life.

2 years of blissful life, both busy in caring and loving each other. Their joy reached the sky as Zuhi got pregnant. Kedar took care of Zuhi with extreme care and affection. He understood her physical discomfort, her mood swings and supported her with umost sensitivity.

They both dreamt together an exciting phase of life with the new baby and Kedar started financial planning as well.

9 months went in a jiffy and Kedar was right there for Zuhi, despite all her mood swings, tantrums and discomfort.

Both were excited, yet tensed on the day of delivery. As Zuhi got into labor, Kedar waited outside with all anxiety and worried for Zuhi.

After an hour long stressful wait, Kedar was jolted as the Doctor informed him of a Stillborn baby. Kedar burst into tears and after couple of minutes, he gathered some courage to go inside held Zuhi's hands and kissed her and tried to comfort her.

Zuhi's cries were uncontrollable, she was shaking and trembling and she cried for a long time hugging Kedar tight.

Life changed after this episode, as Zuhi grieved for more than an year, despite all efforts from Kedar to distract her and trying to convince her to move on.

Zuhi was depressed all the time, kept crying all night.

Kedar finally convinced Zuhi to take up a Job and keep herself busy and occupied.

There was an obvious dent in the couple's relation and romance, as they both stopped expressing their emotions or love for each other, Kedar also gave up trying.

As both got busy building their career, Zuhi feels much better now and lively, trying to mend ways with Kedar. But Kedar's feelings for Zuhi had tapered down and he had given up hopes on a normal relation with Zuhi.

Kedar and his school friend planned to catch up at a Pub.

While both friends were having a good time recollecting their good old school days, Kedar happened to glance around and he couldn't believe his eyes, as he saw Zuhi sitting with another Man. He was shocked, spellbound with what he was seeing. He saw Zuhi blushing, giggling and seemed extremely happy and holding hands.

Kedar went through mixed emotions of being angry, sad and started shivering with disbelief. His face turned red and he started sweating, he felt his blood was boiling and wanted to run to that table and punch them both.

He gave an excuse to his friend and instead decided to rush back home.

Kedar still couldn't digest Zuhi could betray him, despite their relation going through a roller coaster.

As Zuhi came back home later that night, she saw couple of Bags packed, a red faced Kedar visibly upset all ready to leave somewhere.

"What's this? Are you going somewhere?"

"Zuhi, I need a break from you and everything. I will be gone for some time."

"What!? Where to? Break from me??"

"Yes Zuhi, this is not working out, I don't want our already derailed relation to turn further bitter and before I lose respect on you for any possible irreparable damage you further do to yourself and us, Let's just be away from each other for a while"

By now Zuhi realizes that Kedar has got to know about what she was upto, tears starts flowing down heavily "I am sorry Kedar, I can explain whats happening. It's not anything serious or as bad as you might be assuming"

"That's ok Zuhi, you don't need to explain so much. I don't want to hear as well, but right now I feel this is best for us"

"No Kedar, it's just that I was missing attention, missing care and concern, was feeling lonely and was overwhelmed with unwanted charm and attention, which I missed from you.

I know I am the reason for it, I didn't deal with what happened 2 yrs ago and my behaviour pushed you away from me. But We can work this out"

"It's just that I have lost trust in you now and feel deceived. I dont want to yell at you, talk low of you or fight endlessly."

Kedar got up and walked away with his baggage, as Zuhi stood there in agony and tears.

Kedar headed to the Railway Station with no plan. He stood in front of the Booking Center for 15 minutes figuring out what he intends to do. He told himself that he would just need to go somewhere far and remote and stay alone to gather his thoughts.

His eyes was wide open as he saw Goa as a destination. He didn't think for a second more and took the train to Goa.

During the train journey to Goa, he started to reason out his decision to just set off on a journey like this. He convinced himself that he just needs a break from life and rethink how he deals with situations.

He initially took a week off from Work and stayed at a beach resort away from all the glamsham of Goa.

He liked the calmness, silence and started enjoying living in solitude.

The owner of the small property he stayed was an Old Lady, who liked enjoying her Wine alone, along the Beach.

"Do you mind if I join you?"

"You are my guest, can't say No to you"

"I see that you stay alone but saw picture of you and your husband everywhere in the house, your husband is not around?"

"I left him 25 years ago. A small misunderstanding and I blew it out of proportion and I stopped talking to him. He tried to woo me for 10 years and when he realized I was way too adamant, he left me and moved on"

"Do you regret that now? Or you happy being alone?"

"I have spent 25 years now, thinking over it every night sitting here along with my glass of Wine, asking myself and this beach, again and again"

"By the way you say it, looks like you regret your actions then, but it also seems you are peaceful alone"

"Do you think so?"

"I don't know, I can't be sure"

"Exactly..I am still not sure if one small mistake he did was worth not talking to him for 10 years and am I happy now alone, and did it do any good to me staying alone all these years..or would it have been better forgiving and moving on"

"How much did you love him? And how much could you forgive him?"

"Oh I loved him a lot, so did he. Was that Love enough? or was his mistakes worth forgiven?...there are no right or wrong decisions that we all do. We just do things what feels right for that moment, and hide behind terms like Betrayal, Faith, Trust, Sacrifice, Forgiveness,  etc etc".

Though the conversation and the old lady's similar plight and dilemma did not help, one thing he realized the decision he takes is his responsibility and he should go by his instincts. And his instincts pushed him to forgive Zuhi and give themselves one more chance.