WE ARE MARRIED FOR LIFE! BUT WHAT ABOUT LOVE?
by
MURALI MURTHY
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. They say love in the marriage fades as the years pass by. The attraction, the spice, romance tapers down as the couple gets used to each other. Indeed it does!
- Is it because the Man loses interest easily?
- Is it because Woman lose charm and the curves quickly after marriage?
- Is it the domestic issues, conflict with in-laws? If so, are the couple who stay separately happy and in love?
- Is it financial stress?
- Is it the work pressure?
It so happens after few years of marriage (which can start from 1 year to 7 years in some cases) that the Love in the marriage becomes monotonous.
Did I say Love gets Monotonous??
Does Love get Monotonous or is it Life that gets into a uniform mode that Love seems to become repetitive.
Anything repetitive, unexciting tends to become tedious and boring.
Is that why most couples start fighting and get irritated for every conflict?
When two different people start to live together and share their life, it is obvious they both need to compromise, as they come from contrasting background, lifestyle, habits.
A couple happily accept all the differences and adjust to each other in the initial years, but the same differences become irritations and many a times causes irreparable damage and a crack on the wall.
What holds them together in the initial years is the factor called Love and once it vanishes - the conflicts, irritations, misunderstandings sets in.
Should we be trying to find reasons why Love fades or should we be trying to find solutions to the problem?
Let's try both.
Love loses intensity over a period of time. From psychology standpoint, the relation shifts from Passionate Love to Long term attachment, as the couple looks at long term companionship rather than the attractions, intimacy and Love.
More the time a couple spend time together, the long term attachment feeling takes over the infatuation love.
This is the fragile time in a marriage where infatuation fades and long-term attachment also fails to connect.
Even in the famous stories and Movies, we only see the beginning of a new relation and Love blooming, but not the long lasting Love in an elderly couple still in Love.
Attachment between the Couple comes from the satisfaction we get in being with the person we Love, day after day.
I wonder if the mind would then ask "Ok, he/she is with me now...what next"
The glue that keeps the Love ignited are the flirting, dating & intimacy that keeps the chemistry alive.
This diminished intensity could be due to things becoming bit boring as the glitter in the couple's eyes fades.
It will be our choice to remain attached together, treating the relation over Love.
I still remember what my good friend had said once "We always make best efforts to impress someone we love, every time we meet them. We put in efforts to look good, dress well and present ourselves Well each time on a date. You feel you are in love because you like what you are, it all looks beautiful. But you can know a person only when you stay with that person. He/She might not be always looking pretty with makeups, dressed well at home. Will you like when you find your wife getting up with bad hairs in a shabby Nighty? Or with Oily Hair? You always saw her wavy hairs falling on her eyes and each time she used her hands to set her hairs, you were falling in Love all over again. Do you think your wife will like you waking up scratching your butts and farting loudly? Will she like it if you just lie on the Sofa watching sports or a movie one whole Sunday and make faces if she asks you to take her out for Shopping?"
Expectations Vs Reality is where things starts to fall apart. The multi tasking women running around kitchen, cleaning, washing to taking care of family, Worries and work related stress of Men - Love is somewhere lost in the life struggle.
Children could be another factor that eats up most of the couple's precious time together, they start to enjoy the family life, raising the kids, compromising on their time together & their privacy.
Though parenthood is seen as a satisfying and fulfilling experience in a marriage, couple tend to focus way too much on parenthood that they forget to Love and express love to each other as well.
It is evident that the couple have to put in efforts to keep the marriage spiced up, to continue to Love each other, to reignite intimacy amidst the demanding life struggles and to get back the "We Time". There are many smaller yet effective ways to keep Love in the Marriage:
- Going out on a Candle Light Dinner once in a month
- Pressing her legs every night after she is tired running around house, kids, work
- Massaging her legs during those days where she gets cramps
- Pressing his forehead as he hits the bed, to calm him down from the work stress
- Taking bath together once in a month
- Giving him a good head massage every Sunday
- Going on a long drive just to have a Coffee or Ice Cream in the middle of the night
- Taking vacations to romantic destinations, with just two of you
- Kissing each other Goodbye every morning before both head to work
- Go for a good long morning walk over the weekends, and engage in conversations through out the walk
- Surprise her with gifts regularly
- Don't fret if she wants to go to her mom's place
- Celebrate both your birthdays and anniversaries
- How far can you go to woo & convince a disgruntled spouse
- Celebrate both your birthdays and anniversaries.
A couple need to bring in selfless, unconditional, forgiveness, respect for one another in the relation, day in and day out. Trust is another important and essential aspect that helps a couple tide the wave.
Beyond all these intentional efforts to rejuvenate love, I have seen instances/incidents where a couple comes closer and they fall in Love all over again.
When a wife met with an accident and broke her hands, the husband not only took care of her, but ensured she is assisted in every possible way and ensured he was there in every step of hers. He did not let her do any work. The wife was watching it and realized how much the Husband loved and cared for her.
A Husband had a heart attack and the wife was shaken, yet was very strong and took care of her husband. She was right next to the bed and prayed all the time for his recovery. She prayed God that she would mend her ways and would never ever fight with him and keep him happy always, all she wanted is his recovery and he is her world.
Wife's father in his last days; the Husband ensured he took care of the father in law's health, expenses and supported his Wife. He stood there right next to her and that gave her strength to fight her plight and emotions.
In such difficult times and unexpected moments, couples find Love. They realize how much they care for each other and how much they are in Love. The Routine life and the monotony has just fogged their eyes that they don't just see it, which was always there. In the melee, couple confuse love as duty and responsibility.
If we start answering these questions, probably we would know if the love has faded or still alive and kicking:
- Does his Jokes still make me laugh? Do I find him still funny?
- Can I still go out on a date with her and still have a great day and time?
- Can I look into her eyes for hours together and be lost in her beauty?
- Does her smile still makes me forget all my sorrows?
- A hug, a sweet welcome and a Kiss - do I still get this when I get back home from work?
- Do I wait to meet him by end of the day after a hectic day at office?
- Do I still complement her enough when she dresses well?
- Has his bald head, white hairs, bulging tummy made me lose interest in him?
- Am I now getting irritated with her constant chatter, which earlier sounded like birds chirping?
- Am I now getting irritated with his snores, farts which I earlier found cute?
- Do we sleep spooned to each other or we occupy the two ends of the Bed?
- How short can you keep your fights and yellings?
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